deconstructing life

i know i won't feel like that anymore tomorrow morning, when the flurry of things have come to rest, and yesterday has come to past.
I feel:
nostalgic
bittersweet
tired
thankful
a bit intoxicated.

Perfection is coming out of una/c-ed chatterbox 3am into the cold wind, drizzle. That one moment I am back in Berkeley, it is fall, and the obama high consumes me like a choya plum in chardonne.

"XX, meet Huishan, who is currently doing her EL Honours and USP. The reason why I thought you should e-meet Huishan is because she reminds me of you very much in terms of her intellectual curiosity and breadth. (I have a feeling that, as I did in your case, I may have to bash her on her head to pursue a single question without getting distracted by other questions.) "

MOMO IS SO CUTE

a starbucks joint saw three friends non-caffinated, or maybe not. we talked about life love found and lost, and how death will continue to be a permanent discourse that marks the rest of our life. perhaps we can make a point to stop and think about it, but perhaps each person who lives has lived, and left our mark in our lives somehow, somewhere in time. how much to stop and think; no, how much time left for us to stop and think? sewei said we had at least four more twenty year blocks to go, but with each block a different group of people in our lives will leave us, and others join us. do we wait in this transience? do we wait till we're alone and we too leave, alone?

for years i've deluded myself into thinking that environmentalism is the product of US imperialism. But because deep inside i always knew i was deluding myself, the self-discovery that i'm actually one hell of a tree hugger is unsurprising yet scary at the same time. if there is hope for me there is hope still for you, you and you.

the voice lives on, when someone makes a stand.

I love my PGP room! It oversees the pasir pangjang port and reminds me everyday what singapore is made of. made up of millions of thankless migrant workers; what they left and will leave more permanent than their stay. Saw Ajan in school today but I didn't say hi! I should though. Am missing thailand, can't wait to be going back soon.

Meanwhile school has been awesome, as usual. Had an emotional fit in one of my classes last week when i blurted out to a professor that I don't feel I learnt anything after four years and that the NUS system sucks. Told him an english language degree from NUS is quite vague/useless; nine faces looking quite shock with a girlfriend nodding furiously beside me. Thank god he agreeed with me! Oh well, just part and parcel of academic bureaucracy and politics. and let me tell you this professor gave such a satisfying reply to my outburst. Already I know this class is going to be a blast.

Its also good to be back among the USPers, although chatterbox is now filling up with new faces;giving out the bad vibes i had gotten of it since I was a freshie. I think that when I was in year 2 I knew 80% of chatterbox. How could that be? Now I'm just resigned to the dinosaur room where fellow year 4s dwell.  I like that though, finding comfort in people you've known all these while; non-strangers, knowing at the end that these are the people that will wear that square hat with you. today we spoke about love lost, found, boys, babies. perhaps these are the few fleeting moments we have left.

Yacht day at keppel was the greatest thing I've done (we did) in a long time! We cruised around the southern islands only to find a pristine (maybe not but who cares) beach to frolick around in! Upon which stu also DID look like a native, lying on a rock with lion king ost and all. salfwater on my thirsty back, wine we couldn't finish. it was about the most perfect morning, and its really things like these that make life, friends and family so precious.

stuffy over porridge; we sprawl all over the weirdest spaces. I can't tell you how comfortable I am with you, you and you, and how many people I'm not that with. Back to the boys who have supper on repeat , after all these years this is what I have left of then, them.

I would cook if I had (1)pork ribs (2)carrots (3)a carriage of onions and (4) potatoes in my fridge. Since I have none of these, self pity manifests in the form of maggi mee. Of course I could just go down to get all of the items above, but unlike in berkeley where I could ride around in my volvo to safeway which is around the corner, its just me and sheng siong; incidentally not around the corner. oh yes i wish i had a volvo again. the weather in singapore is slowly killing me; and amen to maggie mee.

school is starting and i am desperately . And I mean desperately in need to relax and not do anything. I find it quite impossible, and I am at an impasse. the order of the phoenix, the half blood prince and memoirs of harry lee lie scattered all over my table but every minute someone talks or quarrels or both, every minute there is a whimper from the teevee, every fucking minute the drill drives me crazy and i can't decide which to read next. oh yeah, this is my life.

the smell of boxing oil filled the room we stroll into. excited, afraid, impending blood. a flurry of men in a corner, screaming ladies for a thousand baht. A green man who stood on a stool waving hand signals all around blocked most of my view and as the girls, boys and then men came on, the smile on his face waned. "OH" goes each time the men are locked in each arms, a bid to knee their way out. the bell rings and one match ends; red is on his knees, he bows to blue. we intrude into his private moment. The winner gets television time, a host of sponsors a multitude of products, glory for his family and that sweetheart a hundred miles from here. before we left i could only guess mr. green lost almost three thousand baht.

as we slipped from hard into soft mud, screams. a weathered man looks at me and spoke to me in teochew, such an uncanny affiliation in the most unthinkable of places. we were in the water now, every step we took seeped in mud. bryan insists on a pedicure. bunch after bunch of rice we straightened, made even and plunged into the mud. a girl pulls out a phone to take a picture of me, and for a moment i was the subject of a gaze i held to them all these time.

i watched harry potter in bangkok in an obscure theater, we stood up to the national anthem. after i had nobody to discuss the movie with; people asking me if snape was good or bad. there and then i suddenly miss stu and dina, and wondered what i traded for this. what did i trade for this? it wasn't even.... necessary. despite that i don't think i would have ever gone rice planting, watched muay thai (singular most fucking awesome thing in the world), ktved on the chao praoya river, gone to a market in ubon rhachanthai, meditated or (re)discovered that its not the past or future that's important; its the here and now.

I really need two As for this class so that next semester I can concentrate on my HT, but I feel the grades slipping through my fingers as more papers come back. Its for sure a combination of being burnt out and being out of luck. But like with all material things the more you get the more you want. No, I can't and don't feel happy about it. Nor will my happiness last, if I get 2 As, for more than a day. Then its back to chasing the same things. I want need to break away, but how?

i am a free spirit stuck in the hegemonic cage of self and capitalism; stale to the pain and hurt this world can't have enough of

At the golden mile yesterday we stood and talked about prostitutes, exploitation and syndicate/prostitution rings outside an NGO. appropriate as it may be I can't help feeling fatalistic about it all; how humans are heart and mindedly governed by capital. I also realized that I'm doing this class out of (1)leisurely interest (2)research interest. plus I need good grades so I can slack off in my fourth year. I now officially want to go back to docent at the ACM. Maybe when I start working I can think about having the money to pay for that. then begets the bigger question of being ukbound.

2 things about burger king. One, the yale boys ate burger king for lunch and they have been in Singapore for a total of three days. Two, a certain atas person i know aka mr bigshot journalist wanted to buy $2.50 green tea from burger king when he could have gotten it for $1 at the canteen. (I hope if/when you see this you're safe in DC!)

Every three days we have an assignment due. which is not funny at all because its impossible to churn out a paper that I can be proud of in 24hrs. I think my senioritis comes in the form of bo-seh theses. Perhaps the days of awesome papers have waned, or maybe I lost that confidence after two lousy semesters in nus. SCREW YOU WEES OF NUS. I need an ego boost to last me through the next two semesters and because that can only tangibly come in the form of 2 As you can imagine the crazy situation I am in right now.

So there i was asking a yale dude if our classes counted for graded credits in yale. And he was like yes for the 1st class but no for the 2nd class because "it was not good enough" to replace a yale course. what a pompus prick! omfg. to think my war with stupid americans (from yale no less) hasn't ended. In any case his "not good enough" actually just means they get credits and not grades. which translates into our S/U or P/NP option. So by that line all NUS courses are superior becuase NUS students never grades for modules done abroad. fucking moron.

Things I learnt today:

1. Red Bull is banned in Denmark due to its high caffine content.
2. The status of weed (or "hasch" as they call it) in Denmark is that of chewing gum in Singapore.
3. American frat boys in polo tees (abercrombie and such) makes a good laugh over banana milkshakes.

<3 <3

Okay I just spent a total of 15hrs in 2 hospitals.
that means I am going to sleep.

boating tml: this is a reminder to bring my straw hat. shan, remember to bring sun block and put on your hat.

OH AND BOB SAID MY TENNIS IMPROVED. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
did i mentioned i smashed a ball into his chest and screamed really loudly?

updates updates......
I've been leaving with Deon for a month now. Er, I keep shitting. WHY? Probably starting to become full of shit like he whose tummy shall not be named... Er... I can now say Krcoop khura di chan mii haa khon. mii phcc, mee, phi saaw, phi chaai, noong chai le di chan which means I have 5pple in my family, mom dad older brother older sister and younger brother. WOOHOO I CAN ALSO SAY PARANSHIT. I am going to cross the Thai-cambodian border soon and because I am so bored i am going up to every thai/kamphuchean i see and telling them that sentence I know. Or that di chan maacaak farangseet le ang krit but dichan don't look like a tootna becuase dichan rocks. You can stop being envious now of my bestest piece of shit. obviously i am 1.verybored 2.degenerating due to he whose tummy cannot be named.
okay bye very busy very tired no time wtf holiday is this FML

still somethings in life one must be thankful for:) To Burma or not to burma?

check out AJ rafael on whatever lah youtube, myspace errrr....

OH THE IRONNYY!!!!